SpongeBob DickPants
by Darfur Maxx
Summary: This is what tends to happen to SpongeBob when he's high.
1. Spongebob Goes to Work

I made this to cure my writers block, that's why this story sucks.

* * *

One day, Spongebob woke up. "Ahh, what a beautiful day!", he announced to Gary. Spongebob then hopped out of bed, already dressed, for he figured that if he was dressed when he woke up, then he would get to the Krusty Krab faster, or something. "Well, gotta go to work! I'll see you later!" Spongebob then went to work at his dead-end job that he loves so much.

Along the way, he saw Squidward. "Oh great, you saw me.", he mumbled.

Before he could run away from Spongebob however, "HIYA SQUIDWARD!", the very demons of hell screeched at him, in the form of a yellow sponge.

Realizing it was futile to try to run away from him, he made a defeated sigh of "Hello Spongebob.", hoping that those empty words would keep his eternal damnation at bay, but it didn't.

"ASSHAT!" Spongebob yelled out before he flung himself, ass first, onto Squidward's greasy fish head, a perfect fit! Spongebob does this every time he sees Squidward. But Squidward was ready to do something about it, so he told off Spongebob with a sawed-off. The sponge was propelled onto the ground, blood seeping out of his head, his laughter was going all out, like it was mocking him for not doing this sooner, and it was right.

Squidward then felt like he unlocked some kind of power that was inside of him all along, and he knew what he had to do; he was going to the Soul Society to become Captain of his own squadron, and kill stuff! So he took a bus to Mehecahn Bottom, which was located near Mexico.

Squidward knew spanish because it was an artistic language, and he won't have to talk to retarded American children, like Spongebob Dickpants. He then decided to go to all the raves in town, because that's what artists do. He lived there for 7390809213570913579321739207236902476364726276946764976974319871436946381946893578570828901461890758758051364863493478978943784139874369874389714389463178942614182749043674839176834916984768437389140649365237863786427823587536732465328372952389075627567836327865327653127523169 years, until he saw a face that he thought that he wouldn't have to see again, SPONGEBOB! Spongebob had his dick out and was raping some Japanese schoolgirls that he found.

"SPONGEBOB!?", Squidward screamed out shocked.

"Yes, it is I, Spongebob Dickpants. I have been killed by you and your sawed-off shotgun, but fear not! For I have returned as squad Captain!" they then both brandished their swords, they were going to kick each others asses!

They fought a glorious battle, and at the end, they were both barely alive! "Why are you still alive Spongebob!?" Squidward shouted out at his spongy nemesis.

"Because I taken over the Soul Society, which I turned into an Amusement Park, because it was boring!"

Patrick is at the Soul Society, yelling out "ICECREAM!" he then tackled Rukia, who was forced to be an ice cream vendor to avoid execution.

"Damn you Ichigo, damn you..." she thought to herself, if it wasn't for him and his stoner friends, she would be happily not existing, instead of being slobbered on by a starfish, of all things.

Spongebob was about to behead Squidward when he suddenly remembered his job at the Krusty Krab. "GOOD LAWD, I'M LATE!" he then ran away, full speed chanting 'I'm ready' over and over.

He finally arrived at the Krusty Krab, where Mr. Krabs was waiting. "SPONGEBOB! YOU'RE LATE BY 7390809213570913579321739207236902476364726276946764976974319871436946381946893578570828901461890758758051364863493478978943784139874369874389714389463178942614182749043674839176834916984768437389140649365237863786427823587536732465328372952389075627567836327865327653127523169 YEARS!" he then gave Spongebob a spatula "Get to work!" Mr. Krabs ordered.

After a hard day's work, Spongebob then went home.

"Goodnight Gary." he said to the snail.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	2. Spongebob's Day Off

Oh hey, I made another chapter of this. Enjoy!

* * *

One day in whatever kind of watery hellhole the show takes place, Spongebob woke up.

"Oh, what a crappy day for the underwater rapists of Turd Bottom!" he ranted for no reason. "Well, I guess I should start my day now," he murmured while farting as he transformed from a seacow into everyone's most hated sponge, Spongebob Dickpants! He has the day off today, so he was planning to go yiff with Sandy or have poopy buttsex with Patrick or whatever the hell he likes to do. He headed towards the kitchen, already feeling that he was going to have a very fun day.

Then he encountered Gary peeing on his Shin Megami Tensei merchandise.

"OOOWWWHWOOOOOAAHHAAAHHAA GAARYYY WHATTHEFUCKAREYOUDOING?!" the sponge screeched, breaking all that was glass in a ten mile radius.

Gary meowed, attempting to cover up his act, but the sponge wouldn't have any of it, so he mauled his pet snail with his monster cock.

It was not swell, in case if you were wondering.

Spongebob was then about to finish Gary off with a good cock flogging, but then the doorbell rang!

"I'll get it!" Spongebob announced, automatically forgetting the deadly nerd rage that he had when he saw Gary pissing on his beloved anny-may crap. He merrily skipped to the door to meet this mystery man.

It was Squidward with a sawed-off shotgun. He finally cracked and has resorted to killing Spongebob, but the sponge then pulled out a transformed Tetsusaiga that he had inside his ass for no reason whatsoever, for he wasn't going to be told off again. Squidward, upon seeing Tetsusaiga, invoked a fit of laughing that only a lunatic can do properly.

"Are you SERIOUSLY going to stop me with THAT!?" he giggled like a little girl while pointing at the sword, which was right in front of him so that tentacle has been sliced in half, "You think you know Tetsusaiga? I'll SHOW YOU TETSUSAIGA!" he yelled as he punched Spongebob Dickpants in the dick and snagged Tetsusaiga, taking the sponge's arms with it.

Spongebob screamed in terror, surprised and horrified that he just stole the sword, despite the fact that Spongebob had more spiritual energy than Squidward could ever hope to have, who was not even in the Soul Society, "But that's impossible! Squids can't wield that fang!"

Squidward looked surprised and sane for one second upon hearing this, but then let out a laugh, fell and terrible, "This little Squidward IS A HALF DEMON!" he said in a demonic voice, swinging the blade at Spongebob, who barely evaded the attack. He ran back into his house and shut the door in Squidward's face, who just laughed it off while chopping at his pineapple home like a tree.

"GARY! YOU HAVE TO HELP ME!" he squealed as he huddled into a corner. Gary ate his dick to get revenge for what he did to him earlier before heading off to pee on Spongebob's crap some more. Spongebob abandoned all hope as he monologues about what just happened, "You peed on my dreams, and you ate my hope, you let me down Gary, you let me down..." he wrote on his body with some rotten jizzy seahorse milk he usually used as anal lube for Patrick's rough starfish asshole. Sobbing, he laid on his side and cried, waiting for his impending doom.

Then he realized that he still had one hope against Squidward, the jizzy seahorse milk!

Spongebob, having regained his will to fight once again, stood in triumph as Squidward destroyed the last of his pineapple with the Wind-scar, "I HAVE YOU NOW SPONGE!" he shrieked as he lunged towards Spongebob.

Thinking fast, Spongebob entered Anime Cutscene Mode and grabbed Gary and ripped off his shell. Then he poured the jizzy milk into the shell as he cut Gary to bits to get the last laugh. Then he pooped into the shell and stirred the contents thoroughly with his newly grown dick while peeing at the same time. By the time he added a few other choice ingredients into the shell, Anime Cutscene Mode had ended and Squidward was less than three feet away, swinging down on the sponge for the final blow. Before he could strike down the sponge, however, Spongebob jammed the shell onto his greasy fish head.

Squidward stopped all movement as he started to melt seconds later, "I'LL GET YOU NEXT TIME, SPONGEBOB DICKPANTS!" he yelled one last time before his maniacal laughter faded to silence as he melted into a puddle of himself, along with the late Gary's shell.

Having defeated the insane hanyou octipi, Spongebob let out a victory cry, "WHOOOOOOOOO!" he yelled out as he picked up Tetsusaiga to share the victory with before he sheathed it back into his ass. Spongebob then ran around what little remained of his pineapple house with his arms up in the air, letting his victory be heard throughout the ocean.

He spent the rest of the day doing just that.

Later, at night, he got bored of running around like an idiot and went back to the wreckage of his house, intent on calling it a night. He hopped on his sexy Kenshin blowup doll and covered himself with his gay hentai doujin.

"Goodnight, Gary." he said to what was left of the snail.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


	3. Patrick's Baby's Gone

Emily Youcis made me crazy but I'm still the _**TI**_ M _ **E Z**_ O _ **NE**_ FUC _ **KE**_ R _ **Y!**_

 **BONUS!**

A review by Aspermoth 5/18/07 . chapter 1

" _GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY FANDOM, RIGHT. NOW. This story is, quite frankly, a load of crap. By all means, if you need to write this stuff to kill writer's block, go ahead. BUT DON'T POST IT HERE. Okay? Good. I think we can come to an agreement then._ "

* * *

One day in the leper infested dump known as Bikini Bottom, SpongeBob woke up.

"UUuurrrreeennngggghhhhhhhhhh . . ." The air from his ass exhaled groggily as he stood up, letting the gay _doujinshi_ fall off of him.  
"Gat fuckin' dam' commies, piss off." He rambled as he shambled off to a yummy breakfast he had miraculously hid inside his _Rurouni Kenshin_ blow up doll, a krabby patty!  
SpongeBob chomped it down like a weasel! It tasted like doritos. SpongeBob then remembered that he has work today, which filled him with patty-constipated pride.  
He got his hat and pranced out from his pineapple wreckage, chanting his "I'm ready!" slogan, while ignoring the slighty molting remains of his pet snail.

SpongeBob, for whatever reason, decides to pay Patrick a quick visit before going to work. He went up to his house, making sure he was out of range of his VERY special friend's front lawn, and by extension, the sawed-off shotgun.

Just in case he's still alive.

"OOOOOOOOO— _ooooooooo_ –OOOOOO- **OOOO** _**PATRICK!**_ " The spongy meiser caressed the rock that Patrick lives and shits under while uttering his greeting. He needed some chocolate starfish to envelop his hotdog water flavoured dick, FAST.

"Helll-ro hel-ro, _BALLS_..." Patrick said in a Bateman accent. He hasn't even let SpongeBob in yet and he's already gay.

"Patty patty, lemme in! Ya' know I'm horny!" SpongeBob said as he dry humped the rock. He did this until it opened up.  
There was Patrick, the obese shitlove machine himself, wearing an emo _InuYasha_ t-shirt, and _only_ an emo _InuYasha_ t-shirt.

It wasn't just any emo anime t-shirt, though—it was a t-shirt that had SpongeBob's amazing ass duct taped over InuYasha's face, with the words "STREET LETHAL" underneath it in blue print, in Impact font.  
"Holy shit! Pat that is one _GREASY_ _ **ASS**_ SHIRT!" SpongeBob wooed at the starfish with no pants on as DickPants started getting pantsless himself.

"I made it for you, SpongyBalls," Patrick said as he got the chubs for his pal, "your shirt's on the bed."

"And my balls are on your eyes!" SpongeBob suddenly leaped ass first and landed on Patrick's rough starfish head, a perfect fit!  
"I missed ya' old buddy! Let's watch Trailer Park Boys and chill before Mr. Krabs fires me for being late again, just like old times!"

Patrick nodded his asshatted head, which would probably count as sexual abuse if a being of lesser perversion and binding contracts with the Viacom corporation was impaled ass first onto his head than SpongeBob, and stumbled into the bedroom; which was full of sand, just like your bitch dog's vagina.  
He had moved the TV and refrigerator in there ever since an old man started living in his living room one day, paying his rent in cigarettes.  
As Patrick swung SpongeBob's ripped asshole off his head and onto the bed and hopped in, the old man entered. SpongeBob was the first to notice the stench of nicotine.  
He's never seen this man before; he's either been dead, demolishing the Soul Society, or cheating on Patrick with paid celebrities and unwilling schoolgirls when _the old guy_ first moved in, ages ago.

"Patrick; who is that?" SpongeBob said, who was greatly disturbed by the intrusion upon his and Patrick's Sexy Time (but **never** again _Squidward's_. He knows what he's done.) In fact, the entire being of this man was disturbing in itself.  
His baseball cap was black, and had a bald eagle with a heart shaped American flag; the lens of his glasses reflected the lighting provided by the TV, which was playing a Lahey and Randy-centric episode of _Trailer Park Boys_ that SpongeBob and Patrick found _particularly_ greasy.

"Hey, how are you all doing? My name's Mike." The old man said as he waved at the couple, smiling.

"What in the fuck man, WHAT IN THE **FLYING** _ **ACTUAL**_ _ **FUCK!**_ " The sponge screamed. He gripped Patrick tightly.

"Woah SpongeBob, don't worry, he's cool." Patrick said, trying to calm his boyfriend down. "He started living here after you've been gone for so long . . ."

"God Pat, I just, just," the sponge took one glance at Mike. He was still waving, and smiling at them.

Just looking at him felt violating. Knowing that _he's_ watching them . . . Patrick was cool with this? Why would he be cool with **this**? Who in the right mind wants a creepy old man to _walk in on a couple_ _ **making love!?**_

"GET THE FUCK _**OUT!**_ " SpongeBob screamed hysterically. "GET THE FUCK _**OUT!**_ GET THE FUCK _**OUT!**_ GET THE FUCK _**OUT,**_ YOU REDNECK CREEP _ **FUCK!**_ "

Mike didn't move an inch, though he had finally stopped waving.

"SpongeBob please, please just give him a chance!" Patrick said. "He's not a bad guy, he just does things his own way! He's like Squidward, but _hotter!_ " His face took on a smile. One that was too guilty, and _far_ too unnerving to the sponge as he let out a forced chuckle. He diddled his fiddle with one hand as he supported himself with the other, as he looked intently at him; the air of desperation choked the two.

SpongeBob blinked.

"I see now."

He sat up, and then moved off the bed.  
Covering himself in shame, he reached for his clothes.  
Defeat had never tasted so unexpected, nor utterly revolting.

"How long have you seen him, Patrick?"

"Uhhhhh, about four-five inches; almost six if we're using the pump and he takes his Viagra, heheheh," his stupid face contorted into an expression that made him look somehow even more like a stupid asshole to SpongeBob than he already did.

"I mean how long have you two been _seeing each other?_ "

"OHHH, oh, that," the cheating fuck blathered, "uh, SpongeBob, this started a really, really long time ago. I don't even remember _when_ we first met! He just came outta nowhere, and next thing I know, he moved on in. I mean, I haven't seen you in forever. I thought that you . . . that you-"

"Patrick." The sponge's voice was practically seething in venom. "Why did you let me in _your_ house, knowing that _I_ wanted to be alone, with _you_ , and ONLY _you_ , when you have this SICK _**FUCK**_ WATCHING OUR EVERY MOVE! AND YOU THINK THIS IS OKAY!"  
SpongeBob wasn't having it. He put his clothes back on and briskly started to walk out. Mike was in the way, however, and was _still_ watching him. Still raping him, under his unrelenting gaze. _Still creeping on him._

SpongeBob asked him to move.

"This is my house, boy," Mike said, "you can't tell me what to do inside of my house, and furthermore- **AAAAAAAAAAAAAA-** _ **GGG**_ **HHHHHHHH!-!-!** "

It was at that moment the sponge launched a straight, spirit-laden punch to the old man's nuts. They felt like sourdough bread, and were just as easy to knead into his pelvis. Mike stumbled to the ground, hollering as SpongeBob pushed him out of the way.

"SpongeBob!" Patrick cried out from his bed. "SpongeBob my baby, no!"

"I'm not gonna be your side bitch any more, you fucking two-timing SHIT!" He screamed out from the doorway. "Consider us done! Serves you right for fucking **CHEATING ON ME!-!-!** "

"I'm sorry! Please forgive me, baby! I can make it up to ya', in any way I can-"

"Patrick," he cut him off, "there is _nothing_ that you could possibly do at this moment that would allow me to forgive you." SpongeBob took a deep breath, looking right into his eyes as he did so. He enunciated his words as clearly as he could to the starfish. "You will never, ever, I mean fucking **ever,** _ **EVER FUCKING AGAIN,**_ call me your fucking baby. Understand?"

Patrick's tears poured from his eyes, his voice barely above a whisper, "But-but-but-"

" _You lost your baby._ "

SpongeBob left without another word. His custom-made emo _Bleach_ t-shirt was totally forgotten.

 **TO BE CONTINUED**


End file.
